When society insists that “breast is best,” new parents struggling with breastfeeding may feel a heavy burden of guilt and loss. Megan Potts explores how breastfeeding guilt and societal pressure exacerbated her existing depression and anxiety – and shares the steps she took to recover from childbirth and breastfeeding trauma.

I recently welcomed my darling daughter into the world after a grueling 30 hours of labor and a complicated pregnancy.

Now that my daughter has been born and I have some distance, I realize that I had almost certainly suffered from undiagnosed prenatal depression. I hated being pregnant. I’d convinced myself I didn’t want this baby and even had thoughts of suicide.

My healthcare providers did ask me about my mood every now and again. Still, they should have interrogated my responses of “fine” or “not too bad, thanks,” especially given that my decade-long struggle with depression and anxiety had led me to a suicide attempt only a year earlier.

A difficult birth and struggles with breastfeeding guilt

All my fears vanished, however, the moment I saw my daughter – utterly perfect in every way. Unfortunately, after just 10 minutes of that first glorious skin-to-skin contact, I started postpartum hemorrhaging – severe bleeding after childbirth that affects 14 million people every year worldwide.

After the trauma of birth, I found myself really struggling with breastfeeding, which is something I had planned to do since I saw that very first positive pregnancy test.

Besides terse instructions from a nurse, I received no help. The hospital’s only breastfeeding consultant was on leave, and I didn’t know there was an option to get a hospital visit from a private lactation specialist.

Instead, I ended up exclusively syringe-feeding my daughter the colostrum (first milk) that I’d harvested during my pregnancy.

I finally had to admit defeat when I got home from the maternity ward. That night, my daughter became a formula-fed baby, and my feelings of guilt were intense. I felt I couldn’t give my daughter the best start in life and that I was no more to her than any stranger with a bottle.

The intense, all-encompassing breastfeeding guilt, depression, and mom-anxiety caused me to cry for three weeks straight, with my sadness first turning into anger and then into self-loathing.

The people around me did not understand what I was going through. I was terrified that they’d try to guilt-trip me over my ailing mental health or my struggles with breastfeeding. In fact, the only people who really understand the grieving process and guilt of not being able to breastfeed are other parents who have had similar experiences.

I felt so guilty that I even tried to restart lactation without telling my healthcare providers. I didn’t need the extra pressure to succeed. I was expressing and trying ways to increase my milk production… but to no avail.

Post-birth trauma started catching up with me

Throughout all this, I found myself obsessing over the birth and postpartum hemorrhage. What had gone wrong? How had I ended up in stirrups with a second-degree tear and more than a liter of blood loss?

I had planned to have a calm water birth and instead needed two blood transfusions and spent a harrowing night with hospital staff on standby in case anything else went wrong. I was not prepared for that.

In the coming weeks, I was terrified by even the slightest sign that something was physically wrong with me. I would spend hours staring at my daughter, shaking and crying, wondering how long I would have with her. My health anxiety was off the charts.

Letting go of breastfeeding guilt

Six weeks later, I eventually let go of my breastfeeding hopes. I’m working through my grief while trying to banish feelings of anger by reminding myself that I really tried. I’m also finally on the path to getting much-needed help.

I have found a safe space to talk about my perceived failure and am exploring rewind therapy to help me work through the birth trauma. To other parents who struggle with guilt over formula feeding, remember, you did not fail; you made a difficult decision for the well-being of both yourself and your child.

Don’t let guilt prevent you from getting help

Looking back on this experience, I should have been more forthcoming about my feelings and sought help earlier.

That said, I wish my healthcare providers had connected with me more. I know I'm not the only one who's experienced depression and anxiety as a new parent but been too scared or ashamed to talk about it.

In fact, I am shocked by how widespread these feelings of failure, guilt, anger, and sadness are among new parents. And it’s not just breastfeeding guilt; depression, shame, resentment, worry, and despair can rear their ugly heads in any new parent, whether they struggle with breastfeeding or not.

One massive positive that I am taking from my experience – other than finally being able to cuddle my incredible little girl – is that once I’m confident that I’ve regained my strength, I fully intend to make maternal mental health a special focus of mine in the year ahead.

By educating and advocating for pregnant women who live with mental health problems, as well as new parents who are emotionally affected by the trauma of birth and the inability to breastfeed, we can build better understanding and support networks.

The information presented is solely for educational purposes, not as specific advice for the evaluation, management, or treatment of any condition.

The individual(s) who have written and created the content and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence, or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen.

NPS-ALL-NP-01274 MAY 2024